Welcome To The Dentist’s Chair
Dear one, don’t be bashful, start reading, don’t just stare.
This might calm and enlighten a few things that bother,
As the time approaches when you sit there, next to the sink.
I must say this once and forgive me, yes, many times over.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome, to the dentist’s chair.
After my salutations, may I say that you’re here not there
Oh, I know, I know that you would rather be somewhere.
But you asked on the phone for a time and said “Yes, thanks!”
So what’s your choice or route of escape? Going nowhere?!
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome, to the dentist’s chair.
It’s time oh, yes! Open your mouth as wide as you dare
To make it easy for those things made of metal or steel
Ever mysterious, quite pointy and well engineered
To enter with probing and guile into teeth that still feel.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
The “nice” dentist, I name “sage of enamel so bare”
Will of course examine and itemise whatever’s inside,
The number of your teeth and the state of your gums.
You’re alone! No cuddly mum to hold close by your side.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
We both know it has never been a fun-filled affair
When the dentist and nurse do what they must do next.
They’re professionals, do trust their experience please.
Be grateful, don’t begrudge or they’ll curse you a hex.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
Colour and state of your teeth, you might be unaware
Rest assured, you bet ‘ya the dentist knows and critiques
Decay on your buccal, occlusal or whatever the term
As she scolds you in soft tones for your brushing technique.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
Why must they use and employ that thing with the glare,
A dental mirror they call it, yeah, of course, you surmise
To inspect around corners and find decay on your teeth,
The source of your pain and your shame. That’s no surprise!
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
How strong is that suction, can it suck out your hair?
Must they use it to vacuum the dirty water, as you balk?
You plainly wonder in humorous and wide-eyed jibs
What’s its brand, “Hoover?” Ask her in mirth? Can’t talk!
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
Oh must you listen and hear the loud happenings there
As the drilling commences, resonating like weird chants
That “jack-hammering” takes minutes, perhaps forever.
So just pray that it’s all over before you pee in your pants.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
Oh, will you keep eating those gooey chocolate éclairs?
You must know past your stomach, to your hips they go
And processed sugar harms the coating of your teeth.
You cower as she says its sticks like sweet arrows from bow.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
Now don’t kick up a fuss, bucking legs like a wild mare
When told “For you, a periodontist or orthodontist
Is required for pink gums and symmetry in your teeth.”
Sieged with confusion, you nod, though you know not the gist.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
You might feel uneasy, frightened and gagging for air
As the ubiquitous plaque is scraped at then whisked away
But necessary it is, don’t you fret, don’t you even complain
As you lie there recumbent, in full glory, as if wasting away.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
Sometimes an x-ray’s not needed, though that’s quite rare
So don’t yell out or dispute,” Can’t we skip that part? Quick!
Yes, that film makes it more costly, but she must diagnose!
So sit, be quiet, don’t argue or you’ll sound like a dick.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
If a bevelled needle with local is required, you might care.
Especially if you sweat at the sharp sting that it brings,
It’s an offer you cannot refuse as the godfather once said.
Refuse? No second chances in the midst of proceedings. J
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
At times it’s imperative, though it might not seem fair,
To teeth adjacent, sharp metal clips that pinch and cut
Are used to secure a rubber dam, a latex barrier of sorts,
To stop all that “red” murky water entering your gut.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
One tooth may be sore or if so unlucky, a pair
You suffered perhaps in some hours, precious sleep lost
But dental fate has now led you to this circumstance
So sit there in silence, as you moan and ponder the cost.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
Dear “victim”, it’s not in childhood nursery rhymes wares
When she advises a crown is imminent as you whine,
“What the hell is that? Is it something that Jack broke?”
How much? Guess what, your guess is as good as mine.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
Why does she, behind mask, ask you, “How are you there?”
When ten fingers are jammed into your mouth all agape
And your tongue is imprisoned with rolled cottony stuff.
You answer, but sounds you muster are those of an ape.
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
Pins and needles in your bum are just part of the share
Of the tingling that’s present in your lips and your gums.
You know you’ll talk funny now that the treatment is done.
But will you walk funny, hobble? Be made fun of by chums?
Welcome, oh, dear one, welcome to the dentist’s chair.
Finally I now finish my verses with flourish and flair
I’ve been here many times, you can deduce from my tale.
So remember to keep flossing and keep on brushing away
Or you shall be saying, in the near future, with a wail
“Welcome, oh, dear me! Welcome to the dentist’s chair!
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